Although fidelity is an admirable human quality which crosses coherently with loyalty (one of the human qualities that I find most dear), the sexual fidelity towards which our thoughts run instantly when the issue of fidelity is questioned, is a concept that in itself contains consistent amounts of hypocrisy, cowardice and lack of respect for the one with whom you’re in a relationship with.
First of all, we cannot talk about sexual fidelity in the absence of the temptation of infidelity. As long as someone is not attracted to other people, it is not possible to say that they are a faithful individual, because he sexually interacts with only one person only because he is not attracted to someone else.
In this case, fidelity does not reflect a human quality, but the lack of attraction towards other persons.
It is normal and specific to all human beings to relate only where and when they feel attraction and appeal.
It is so natural to relate intimately only with those to whom you are attracted to, that nobody ever had the idea to tell themselves that they are faithful just because they don’t have sex with individuals they are not attracted to.
The attraction towards only one person cannot be considered sexual loyalty.
Moreover, sexual fidelity present in the absence of other sexual opportunities is not fidelity.
“It’s easy to be a saint when there are no temptations “ or “many women are faithful when they are not being paid attention to “ (by others).
The idea of sexual fidelity targets exclusively the effort and the preoccupation to resist the attraction, usually generalized, towards other partners.
Sexual fidelity implies indisputably the demand to ignore, repress, forbid or deny all other attractions towards other individuals.
Including attractions that don’t involve a sexual component, since any interest for another individual is perceived by your partner devoured by suspiciousness as a public declaration of their own insignificance.
And it can be interpreted this way only because in their own inwardness they are convinced of their own insignificance.
It is rather surprising how, intelligent people claiming intellectual and spiritual sophistication can integrate so easily in their personality and their ego a quality, such as the one of sexual fidelity, which betrays so obviously their lack of self-confidence and their clear spiritual and human immaturity.
WHAT else but the lack of self-confidence and the fear of worthlessness could determine you to demand from another, from the one you claim to love, to ignore their feelings, desires and needs?
What kind of man must you be, to wish the presence of a woman against her feelings, to claim from her to deny herself any other pleasure of the relationships that tempt her, only so that you can sedate your discontentment towards yourself with the feeling of worthiness?
Basically, you’re sacrificing the freedom (life) of your partner, in the name of love surely, to have proof of your importance?
Regardless how weak or how low your self-esteem may be, your common sense should tell you that this approach demonstrates aggressiveness towards the most intimate nature of your partner.
But that would imply interest for their intimate nature.
When fidelity is the fundamental value in a relationship, you’re immediately signaling that:
1. Your partner’s humanity/human content is insignificant in relation to your ego’s claims of comfort, well packed in the idea of fidelity.
2. You don’t understand that attraction and passion are lively states that cannot be constrained or preserved by agreements of fidelity, promises or commitments.
3. You don’t understand that fidelity in the absence of a connection, of inner freedom and of passion doesn’t feed anything vital in a being.
When you condition a relationship with giving up all other relationships, you lose sight of the only basic aspect of a relationship: the quality of the time spent together.
It is not the time your boyfriend/girlfriend spends with another that will affect your relationship, but the time you spend together and most of the time waste platitudes and clichés.
Yet, in a masochistic gesture, the majority sacrifices the importance of the partner’s quality of feeling for those qualities destined to validate the ego and protect its sensitivity.
The issue is that no one has ever seen a satisfied ego – after every satisfaction you give to it, its needs grow exponentially.
If fidelity was a quality that had an immanent value, no one would impose it to others, since everybody would do anything to get it for themselves.
But, if you pay attention, nobody cultivates their fidelity for themselves, but in order to be able to claim it from their partner.
Nobody wants fidelity only for themselves. Whosoever you have ever heard praising the value of fidelity will claim it from someone else.
My need for fidelity hides my demand from you to amputate your inner world of sensations and feelings with which my ego’s authority disagrees, to give you the benefit of distributing you in the role destined to satisfy my expectations that I hope will bring me happiness.
When for me you are only the role I specifically assigned to you, obviously I consider there’s nothing more to know about you.
And this combination of possessiveness and predictability is the death of passion in relationships.
In this framework, the relationship means fulfilling the duties of the assigned role.
Of course, these are the ego’s calculations, since reality and life will not care about all of our strategies with which we hope to protect our illusions and our hypocrisies.
Only those lost in endless confusions imagine that a functional and lasting relationship can be built on the obedience to the partner’s ego.
That obedience, playing the assigned role, to be hired as partner, qualifies you only to be used and despised for your naiveté and immaturity.
Attractive are only those who know who they are, who don’t negotiate their right to feel and to freely manifest themselves.
Those who assert the importance of sexual fidelity only prove that they are willing to deny their sexual nature so that they can demand the same from their partner.
Sexual fidelity is the fastest and most certain way of extinguishing the attraction in the relationship and, implicitly, of amplifying the temptations of infidelity.
Possessiveness (the feeling that your partner belongs to you) comes into being in the very moment you are sure to have your partner’s sexual fidelity.
And possessiveness is incompatible with passion. What you feel you possess, doesn’t attract you anymore.
What you have is no longer interesting, no longer incites you and implicitly you no longer pay attention to it.
You start believing you deserve everything and you stop offering anything. This happens with both partners.
It’s easy to understand that, these differences between what you offer and what you demand are the source of some tensions that build up in the background of the ever more difficult to keep appearances.
And no petty calculation, no naïve good intention and no hypocrisy will be able to block out life’s interests that manifest through all of us.