The freedom in relationships and the fear of being left for a better partner

The biggest fear of those who are interested in the idea of freedom in relationships is that they accept the danger that their lover, once being granted their freedom, will meet someone more precious – and that means, in their imagination, that they will be abandoned and forgotten.


This kind of questions indicates an absolute error in the approach and a major lack of experience because:


1. First and foremost, I think that everybody having this fear should ask themselves if they are satisfied with a partner who stays only because he/she are limited in their ability to find something better for them.

The fact that my girlfriend stays with me only because she lacks other options doesn’t make me happy at all to be with her.  On the contrary, I want her close to me because I assume that we are bound by something so obvious and fundamental that, her experiences with another guy will not decisively affect what we have together.

And if I lose her in this context, it means that there was nothing left between us but illusions.


2.  I find it impossible to bear with myself when I don’t want my girlfriend to be lucky to experience nice moments with other guys.

On the contrary, precisely because I care for her, I find it only natural to wish only the best moment possible for her in her relationships with men. She has only one life and I cannot understand how the fact that she’s giving me so much of her life would imply, by reason of who knows what morals, that she must give me everything.

We are NOBODY’s property and we don’t owe anything to anybody.


3. A minimal experience in open relationships will advise you that everything that happens in any of the other relationships only creates a background for the value of what you have with any of your lovers.

Threatened are only the relationships wherein only your own interest matters and wherein your “lover” is a supplier of validation, sex and social comfort.

4. No matter what you believe about your own relationship and your ability to bind the partner’s freedom, everybody is free, regardless of them knowing or wanting it.

Nobody can engage their soul and their sensibility in the selfish games of their egos.  Attractions and interests cannot be avoided, ignored or denied. Actually, the more you try to minimalize or deny them, the more their intensity.


The interest or the feelings for others appear and they will manifest, no matter how much you invest in stalking and controlling the lover you believe to be “yours”.


5. There is in us a natural instinct for openness and honesty towards our lovers that urges us to be transparent in our relationships, to talk openly about our attractions. Sure enough, a world of individuals overwhelmed by lack of self-confidence and self-esteem daunts and inhibits this instinct of honesty. On the back of that is that this transparency brings infinite closeness and recharges you with a great sense of gratitude.


In conclusion, even though setting our partners free of all commitments and obligations would mean losing them definitively and favorable to more potent and more interesting partners, it is undignified to compel your partner in any way; after all, he/she are the closest person in your life. But reality is that granted and accepted freedom brings a deep closeness in any relationship.


Only when there’s a background of freedom a real relationship starts and you can talk about love.


You love when you grant freedom and wish the best for the other.


Nobody can replace anybody and all that is real in us will call us back, in case we are not aware of what we have together.  Don’t forget that we have all been experiencing for a long time the option of relating in couples under the pressure of a strict and incessant control of our partners and I find these relationships not at all more infallible, more lasting or happier.  Per contra, not even one of the ones you see is desirable or enviable.


Our partners are mostly a combination of guardians and experienced detectives – proof that no one believes in contractual relationships wherein we trade our freedom.

The hypocrisy of women’s fear of being abandoned after the first sex

“Why are some women so scared of sex?

Many of them tell me that they don’t want to have sex on principle, because they have been hurt by some.

And then, if they had sex, they wouldn’t know for sure that the guy wouldn’t leave them immediately.

Where does this approach come from?”

There is a lot of perversity and hypocrisy in such statements, even if you could somehow find reasonable arguments for their unhappiness:

1. The fact that they „don’t want to have sex on principle” is a weak joke that women sell to those men with whom they don’t want to have sex…because they aren’t attractive enough for them.
These women are not only available for the men who would strongly validate them, those strong, vital, clever, authentic or self-conscious men, but they would also risk anything to get „a bit” of them.

2. Surely, they have certainly been hurt by some men, but only in their feelings of self-importance. When you cannot accept your natural need for sex, you must come up with a story in order to allow yourself to have sex.
And we, the weak men that we are, we will understand these women’s need to lie to themselves in order to have sex and we will lie to them accordingly so that we can give them the dick they need.

Sure, these women have good reasons to point to and judge the man’s lie, but they can see as well:

a. their hypocrisy of not accepting that, finally, they want and need the simple sex, without fairy tales, as much as any man who gets to fuck them.
b. the callousness of their superiority claims, based on which they can imagine that their pussy gives them the right to demand obedience and commitment from the man.

3. A man doesn’t ditch a woman because she has had sex with him.

He leaves and doesn’t contact her anymore, if that’s the case, because:

a. that’s all he wanted from her from the beginning, but obviously he couldn’t have told her the truth, because the dame would have most likely gotten hurt in her own feelings of importance, even though she needed sex as much as she needed to breath as well.
b. what he has gotten to know about her besides the experience of sex is not interesting enough to take things any further.

4. Still, men have a colossal guilt and responsibility in the women’s fear, incognizance of and reticence about assuming their own sexuality and admitting that they need sex as much as men, usually quite a lot.

Because women cannot admit this even to themselves sometimes, they must imagine and pretend they need love, to act and out of any experience with a man a proof of their „good behaviour” – that means nothing to real men.

Sure, there are men with whom women can be themselves, but rather few, so the majority of women live in confusion and consuming inner conflicts. These very confusions and conflicts are my target here on my blog.

5. There are no certainties that a woman will not be ditched after sex, nor are there during the relationship.

But for a woman is essential to understand that she is not ditched because she had sex with the guy, but…because that’s the only thing the guy wanted from her…and what he learned additionally in the erotic experience didn’t change his initial intentions.

However, no matter what a man or a woman wants from one another…

a. when each gives the other one the comfort of the possibility to be themselves, including the possibility of telling you that he/she wants only sex or an open relationship…

b. when the erotic experience brings to the surface deep compatibilities, or at least the promise of profound experiences…

no matter the initial intentions, everything can change overnight.

I said it before: a one night-stand can lead to a stable relationship, just as much as relationships that are sold as indestructible can end overnight.

What we are determines the evolution of a relationship and our naive intentions don’t have any weight when we know very little about ourselves, and our awareness and our experience is negligible.

If you want the chance to something real and stable in relationships:

a. throw away bucolic dreams and superiority claims,
b. facilitate and encourage the truth and create the comfort for the other one to feel safe, by being honest
c. grant Absolute Freedom
d. be honest and admit that all you have been given means very much
e. consequently, be grateful for the experience you had
f. see the temporal or definitive departure of anyone as something natural, because – surprise!…it actually IS natural.

The obvious substratum of the addiction to exclusive relationships


The temptation of an exclusive relationship is not great.

It is only in direct proportion with the lack of self-confidence and the lack of self-knowledge.

Open relationships are not a matter of emotional intelligence or anything alike, it is strictly a matter of ego.

You need an ordinary intelligence to understand the basis of the concept of freedom in relationships.

People have two colossal issues, which, until they are solved, make impossible, a healthy couple relationship: possessiveness and competition, which reflect the pathologic need to be more special or more important than everybody at least in a few aspects.

You want to find a reason to feel superior.
Anything will do.
Otherwise you feel like suffocating.

NOT by accident, when you can’t relate to anything, there are strong chances to commit suicide.
And exclusive relationships are the breathing air for this need.
Possessiveness says “I’m so special, insomuch that I can sacrifice and control a life (or more)”, c
ompetition says: ….”I’m so cool, that nobody else can have my partner”.

Both positions make irrelevant any compatibility, feelings…because the suffering of realizing that the projections of your self-importance are false is so deep, that nothing else matters.

You can be sure you’ll very quickly reach the point where you can see how absurd your claims are.
Nothing is more important to those who are lacking awareness than to consider themselves superior to others.

And their partner is foremost the one invested with the responsibility of feeding the illusion of importance.

Actually, traditional relationships are a cheap play wherein confirmations of importance are traded, all the more so needed and demanded as passion, intimacy and trust disappear.

I know for a fact that, until you don’t transform your possessiveness into freedom and your sense of competition into friendship…not only you don’t have a real relationship, but you don’t have a relational life.

You live like a rat: in darkness, fearful and hurried every time you reach the light.
The light (the awareness) makes you feel very vulnerable because it makes the pettiness you’re hiding visible.
And when you have overcome these problems, you are able to see that multiple, transparent relationships are only magical and natural.

Some say that there are conscious monogamous relationships.
I only accept that there are individuals with many solved issues and thus aware and happy who, for this reason, can relate monogamously without tensions when they have libido issues or when they don’t have much options.
But, no matter how aware and how harmonious their relationship…not being open to other partners is the expression of lack of awareness residues.

In open relationships people grow up quickly because they have to work on the issues of possessiveness and competition through humbleness, dignity and friendship…because otherwise they toss in endless turmoil.

In these relationships, the erotic and emotional openings towards other individuals bring to the base relationship important values and valences.
For example…my wife’s partners become very close to me, closer than for her…and she and some of my girlfriends form very strong bonds, so strong that my presence is useless.

Even those experiences that activate residual lack of self-confidence and competition prove to be providential when, instead of hiding them behind appearances, you choose to talk and work them out.

We people can do so much more than getting stuck in the egotistical experience.
But very few believe in it, because very few are really trying.
It is important that no one tries, so that there’s no chance for us to see that it is possible and necessary to become Human.
All those who are not trying, are sending a clear message, that honesty and fairness in relationships are not important, compared to the egotistic interests and demands.
We have come to a state where we protect our inner misery in the name of love
We say we don’t want to cause suffering to our partner and thus we choose to be faithful.
But our partner suffers because he/she want to be souls-owner and superior to others.

Of course, he/she must be backed up in his/her effort to overcome their weaknesses, but that is a complete different thing than fostering their weaknesses.

And this is all we do, protecting our partner’s weaknesses so that we can claim the same protection from them.

Once you have gone beyond your own weaknesses, you’ll see how ridiculous the matter of fidelity and monogamy is, including consciously assumed monogamy.

If the two persons in the conscious monogamous relationship understand that they mean so much to one another…how logical it is to assume that there are individuals of the opposite sex who can offer you unique experiences and satisfactions (similar to the ones you have in your monogamous relationship).

Your own success in the monogamous relationship and the evolution it brings is the argument for the couple to be open to other couples or other individuals.

If they don’t do it, if they don’t open their relationship, it means they’re still protecting some weaknesses, which they’re still not fair towards themselves and their partner, regardless of how many positive and conscious aspects their relationship integrates.

To be honest…I am somewhat bored with what I’m writing here (most likely it bores many of you too); since it is all so obvious, I feel slightly ridiculous.

But I insist patiently, because all of those with whom I’m speaking are facing generally, in all relationships, a background fight, full of pressures and intimidations, apparently discreet, destined to get the domination, the control, and the feeling of importance.

Basically, the majority of people are negotiating for themselves in this background fight what they want from their partner, and giving back obedience and assuming the role of being a slave of the desire for importance of their partner.

Everything comes down to the way we answer to the question: what matters most to us in a relationship, honesty or getting what we want?

Surely, any admiration or interest towards honesty disappears once it implies a loss….and here it is to be found the root of all traumas in relating.

What should be a total partnership, becomes a treacherous fight.

I should NOT tell you again that, anything you believe you’re winning by sacrificing honesty is just an illusory gain.

We all experiment this all the time….but our answer to the above question stays the same.

From a certain moment onwards…this only means atrocious stupidity and it can be extrapolated to the level of the entire human race, without any sweeping generalization.

Until you start working on your issues, everything I say is only talking material to make you think you are something if you wag your tongue about it.


In conclusion, nobody should waste their time with me by debating the ethical issue of monogamy, since the subject is sensitive and completely unconstructive.

But anyone well-intended and somewhat aware can understand how miserable possessiveness, attachments and competition are.

I’ll say only this: resolve these issues in yourself, since they bring shame to the human race.

And after you have resolved them, I wait for you to tell me how monogamous relationships appear to you and what is the purpose of this kind of relating when you no longer feel that someone belongs to you or that you should have more than others.

It will be ridiculous to talk about monogamy.

It will exist as a momentarily, conjectural situation, but being open and grateful to every opportunity for an even more extended relationship.

Multiple relationships draw out to the light all of our demons.

And the majority of them are so scared by the specter of the lack of importance, by perceiving a risk in the possibility that the partner may feel good with someone else too, that they come back to the seemingly comfortable lie about “how strongly we love each other exclusively”.

But the enthusiasm is short lived because despise and boredom will take the place of passion and honesty.

And at some point, sick of the way things are, you’ll end up reading my articles. :*

The state of falling in love and its connection with the form


The falling in love is everything that love is not, and conversely. They are opposite states.
The falling in love is an apogee of the unawareness that appears and consumes itself on the level of forms (or appearances), which includes the mental-emotional space.
Love is an apogee of awareness and takes places in the space of our fundamental contents (the existential space).

The falling in love is a euphoric self-hypnosis which kills exactly the lucidity that you so greatly need in order to understand your so-called “lover” and to understand what is really happening with you.

It is a mash of sexual attraction, the emotion of validation (the pleasure of feeling wanted) and of bucolic projections (the promise of future conservation of this state).
It is only a state of exaltation of the senses running free of all conscious supervision.
The mere exclusion of a love speech from this phenomenon would make everything much more real.

But it is so difficult to do this, since we gamble so much on this speech about love, in our endeavor to create the confusion that allows us to manipulate the other.

This entire dance of love overly imbued with proofs of love, emotional statements and gestures, is nothing but an ample diversion (usually unconscious), meant to deceive our awareness and our common sense, so that a story in which we have the role of “the hub of the earth” expecting a sweet and permanent happiness in couple seem real.
It is seemingly curious that, when you fall in love, you deny yourself all analysis of the motivations and the nature of the attractions you feel, and this is not really coincidental.

You must do so, so that you can deny yourself the awareness of your true motivations and interests that would risk you being known exactly as you really are.

It would be easy to identify your natural interest, yet strictly sexual, as well as all of your other dreams of gaining something, naïve dreams, weaknesses and fears, that make you rush in your decisions through which you abandon the responsibility of your own happiness, making it your partner’s responsibility.

But what could make you interested in discovering all these things about yourself?

The novelty brought by a relationship bears forth intense and unusual emotions, under the influence of a steady hormonal cocktail.

However, by calling on a little lucidity and experience, you can see in your experience and the one of others around you, the pattern of relationships and the irrelevance of emotions while falling in love. When you understand that, you will moderate your enthusiasm, in favor of attention and preoccupation with transparency and relaxation during the early stage of the relationship. This is an essential and very important form of respect for a potential partner.

The more the lovers deny their own responsibility for their own happiness, the more their enthusiasm. When a relationship is meant to absolve you from the effort of awareness and being mature, then it is very important for you to believe your own fantasies and quickly pack the relationship into something certain and stable.

All of you have known that inexplicable feeling of loving someone, without even knowing them. Probably the sensation you’re experiencing is based on essential or only superficial compatibilities, yet surely they are to be found amongst many other aspects that should make you more cautious before starting to project anything about what is happening.
The prospect of a sexual adventure will be accompanied by enthusiasm for almost everybody; still what matters is to be aware of your motivations and what is actually happening. The appetite for romance shows a desperate need for emotions, meant to cover the inner feeling of lack of meaning in which your life flows.

Once the sexual attraction is consumed, the cleverest partner’s willingness to play the lover role disappears, while the shallowness of the relationship and the inner emptiness become obvious. We must understand that, in the absence of a real connection based on the content of what we are, once the sexual attraction fades, an unyielding rejection…a severe need to be left alone appears, moderated only by the awareness of future sexual needs.

Once the “dream of love” falls apart after the sexual relief, the emptiness we ran away from becomes even more painful, and the decisions we made, our statements of eternal love, our commitments and our promises are dangling on our necks like a millstone. To free ourselves of this promise we must openly admit that we lied and exaggerated.
However, this requires a much too difficult honesty, and the solution is a new batch of lies – from the category “I love you so dearly, but life is against us, so I must leave” – which more often are an insult to anyone’s intelligence.

Most of the time, in our ridiculous flight from the responsibility of our own choices, we conclude that suffering is the aftermath of relationships, and not our own unawareness which we bring in the relationship.
In this category are included all lovers hurt in their “love”, who declare theatrically and very convinced that they will never love again. As if their pseudo-experiences have anything to do with love.

Here comes into play another big category of parrots (rather innocents), who tell you that, no matter how much suffering and pain love would bring, nothing else matters and so, you must get yourself again and again in the same shit, in the name of “love”, of course. Not that there has ever been any trace of love in these relationships – what is essential is to tell it to ourselves in order to be able to play the role of the unfortunate victim of the perversity of the opposite sex and thus create a romantic-dramatic aura around the common experience of falling in love.

We need this aura to protect our right to stupidity and unawareness and to avoid at all costs meeting the common sense and the reality. The appetite for bucolic projections will be paid in suffering, so that we won’t easily forget the importance of creating happiness starting from the reality of what we are. Almost every falling in love ends in pain and disappointment, since what we’re running away from when we throw ourselves in the experience of love is exactly the awareness of the pain and disappointment within ourselves.
The other kind of falling in love, the one that endures through time, they survive with the price of assuming an inconceivable relational infantilism, in which the partners take on the role of “child in the mother’s lap” – where everything transforms into an impossible gurgling. In these relationships you get the chance to accustom yourself with the communication from the category of “gurgling” (my sweet little love, my sweetie, etc.)…which is to be seen as proof of a passionate and enduring relationship by all the desperate and naïve who need to cling to someone.

When you choose to see in the other what you wish to see, you deny yourself any chance to live something real.

Those love stories that you drug yourself with and your thirst for emotions in romantic sets are but self-conditioning ideas that allow you to be manipulated and, inherently, qualify you as a sure victim of disappointments. Generally, those stuck in this form of relationship are superficial and unaware individuals, with consistent traits of perversity, who choose only the easy way – meaning, they target/search for only weaker or inexperienced partners, who can easily be used as suppliers of validation and sex.

The experience of falling in love will not spare anyone, but any concern for growing up and self-development will get you out, eventually, of confusion and hypocrisy. Most of the time, one of the lovers is more detached, thus more clever. Any individual, who came out screwed up from a romantic relationship that had a fulminatory beginning, choosing to see himself as innocent victim, refuses to accept that, no matter how much you accuse the perversity of the one who “screwed” you, you cannot mistake the vibration of an open and honest person with the one of an intimidating, manipulative person who convincingly plays the role of the lover.

If you do mistake it, you do it because you want to lie to yourself. And probably you too have taken advantage of those more naïve than you. The usual victims of these kinds of falling in love, with their need to cling to someone, become easy to use (or only to fuck), but equally difficult to put up with – which makes them very quickly unpleasant and expendable. There is nothing faulty with these relationships, seeing that the instinct to cling of those who are used is by no means more innocent than the instinct to use or manipulate. I have met women who, although they have been used and quickly abandoned under SF pretexts, rationally understand the substratum of this experience, but they secretly desire to be used again by the same individual, while the loudly accuse him. Never underestimate the force and the stupidity of unawareness!


Form-falling in love-unawareness-manipulation type of relationship

The roots of the confusion and misunderstanding in relationships are extremely powerful conditionings, implanted in our minds long before we could even understand that our identities are altered. For these conditionings to be valid, true industries of dreams corroborate, such as: mass media, women’s magazines, literature, soap-operas, movies, marketing, parents’ stories and a commanding army of unaware individuals. It’s not coincidental that such forces are at play.
The falling in love process consumes itself in a space of forms; since it is a superficial and quasi-unconscious process, it only exists on the level of the form (outer circumstances): the image of the other, the way they walk, talk, behave, their physical image, job, social and economic status, clothes, the way they appear in public, the way they communicate. The form activates the unconscious impulses involved in the falling in love. The form is something easy to perceive and evaluate and it has an unbelievably beneficial trait whereby it is extremely tempting, but it is never satisfactory.
You desperately want it, but when you finally have it, you realize it is not of much help and afterwards you seek to get more of it. This is the basis of the hysteria of personal development, with its objectives: be beautiful, stylish, do sport, fashionable, be successful, learn how to appear confident, aggressive, attractive….as appropriate. It’s common knowledge that relaxation, calmness, self-confidence, spontaneity and the connection with women are based on a background of honesty and common sense. But honesty and common sense imply admitting to your own hypocrisies, awareness, vulnerability, which, in turn, requires a massive restructuring of your inner world and a totally different approach to life than our usual one.

Automatically the option of honesty is excluded for the superficial ones, and implicitly, they are left only with the option of cultivating appearances and thus acquiring information destined to exploit the unawareness of their fellow beings and of the opposite sex, in our case.

Under these conditions, it seems more appealing and easy to bide with a mighty self-image and to embellish the cowardice, the mercantilism and the real indifference for people, with a seductive appearance of success, on the basis of the principle “Who cares anymore what kind of person I am as long as I appear successful?”

The world of the form, in which the illusory love stories are consumed, is the world where an impeccable first impression and the physical appearance are decisive.

As long as I can remember, it has been an intense delight for me to make a bad first impression, lacking all interest in formalism or rules about how to behave, and I still got everything I wanted. Sometimes even from those who had easily judged me. Few criteria are more relevant to the quality of a person than the way they judge a first impression. I can easily see what kind of persons are the women I interact with from the way they deal with my clumsiness, my shyness in the beginning. And those who pass this unintentional test make me want more from them.

The world of relationships must become a warm and relaxed one, so that our beings can breathe and grow in a climate of trust. Nothing is based on a moment, on a chance, for us to make the first impression an important issue. Everything is about what we are, and this is beyond our worse or better moments. Those who are oriented towards content will seek for partners oriented in the same direction, next to which they can feel good and evolve. These persons will be glad when they are seen in their content and limits, since they will not try to hide anything. This is the world in which you don’t try to impress, but only to be perceived correctly. It is the world wherein you understand how absurd it is to reduce a human being, a life, to a momentarily impression. Our life doesn’t develop through unique chances, offered by cold and immortal individuals. Our identity grows with us becoming human, warm, honest and fair to those around us and not overwhelming them with the perfection in relationship.

Apparently, this world of the falling in love and of the form, which implies a priori to use the unawareness and the weaknesses of the opposite sex for your own interest, leaves you with no other choice (I repeat, apparently, because you always have a choice) but to enter the manipulation game, because otherwise you risk being left with no partners.
It’s a partially justified fear, since men and women who play the card of honesty become aware of how much truth is scary. But this is only a superficial aspect not to be taken into account because:
1. The choice of honesty must not hinge upon the gains or losses that might be involved.
Honesty and sincere openness towards the opposite sex is its own gain, through the state of congruency and the satisfaction to be whole that you will live.
2. Constantly, there will be people around you to answer positively to your honest approach, even if they are more difficult to find or if, in the beginning, they refuse it instinctively or warily.
3. In the honest and unguarded communication there is a satisfaction which, eventually, will be seen as valuable enough to sacrifice the comfort of your so disturbed by the truth ego.
Indeed, on this path, the relationships evolve slowly, but steadily, at some point becoming indestructible and invulnerable.

And, on the other hand, the traditional alternative wherein you end up using and manipulating the most important beings in your life – the partners with whom you share your body, your soul and your entire intimacy – is unacceptable by an individual who still has a heart and some humanity.

I don’t want, not on any account, to lead you to believe that I disdain the form.
Far from me the thought.
Everybody, at all times, will appreciate and want beauty, elegance, health, physical abilities, comfort, wealth, success and glory.
But these start to have a real value only from the moment where they become secondary qualities of those who cultivate their human content.

And each content is realized and develops starting with the most elementary aspect of this human content: absolute honesty with ourselves and with others and the acceptance of what that honesty says about us.
Based on this, everything will change, and the world of the form will be the reflection of the content and not only the outer package of the lack of content.

It is important to understand that there is no reason to accuse any euphoric states, intense emotions or simple statements of their interest in us from a new partner.
Any pleasant moment spent with someone means satisfaction which charges all of us with vital resources.

It is essential to understand correctly what you are living and that these experiences are nothing more than the expression of a momentarily states, that don’t involve at all the future.

A delightful moment in the relationship between the two sexes is an existential gift, not a promise or a certainty for a future relationship.
A feeling reflects a momentarily state that was created together and a lot of existential grace. And, no matter how cynical it may sound, it is possible to never meet it again.

The solution for the issue of falling in love is to be yourself and to talk for real, encouraging the same attitude (this if you know yourself and if you can handle the truth), so that you can arrive to a relevant opinion about who both of you are and what you can live together. The initial euphoria may mean nothing, just as much more reclusive starts can evolve in true passions or friendships.

In conclusion, enjoy everything life offers you, assiduously decline all projections, don’t cling to anything, and choose to see things for what they are, because in all experiences fundamental understandings are waiting for you.
But stop wasting your time in obviously unsuccessful directions.
Too many of us have followed them, for too long.

The Nature of Sexual Fidelity

Although fidelity is an admirable human quality which crosses coherently with loyalty (one of the human qualities that I find most dear), the sexual fidelity towards which our thoughts run instantly when the issue of fidelity is questioned, is a concept that in itself contains consistent amounts of hypocrisy, cowardice and lack of respect for the one with whom you’re in a relationship with.


First of all, we cannot talk about sexual fidelity in the absence of the temptation of infidelity. As long as someone is not attracted to other people, it is not possible to say that they are a faithful individual, because he sexually interacts with only one person only because he is not attracted to someone else.

In this case, fidelity does not reflect a human quality, but the lack of attraction towards other persons.

It is normal and specific to all human beings to relate only where and when they feel attraction and appeal.

It is so natural to relate intimately only with those to whom you are attracted to, that nobody ever had the idea to tell themselves that they are faithful just because they don’t have sex with individuals they are not attracted to.

The attraction towards only one person cannot be considered sexual loyalty.

Moreover, sexual fidelity present in the absence of other sexual opportunities is not fidelity.
“It’s easy to be a saint when there are no temptations “ or “many women are faithful when they are not being paid attention to “ (by others).

The idea of sexual fidelity targets exclusively the effort and the preoccupation to resist the attraction, usually generalized, towards other partners.

Sexual fidelity implies indisputably the demand to ignore, repress, forbid or deny all other attractions towards other individuals.

Including attractions that don’t involve a sexual component, since any interest for another individual is perceived by your partner devoured by suspiciousness as a public declaration of their own insignificance.

And it can be interpreted this way only because in their own inwardness they are convinced of their own insignificance.

It is rather surprising how, intelligent people claiming intellectual and spiritual sophistication can integrate so easily in their personality and their ego a quality, such as the one of sexual fidelity, which betrays so obviously their lack of self-confidence and their clear spiritual and human immaturity.

WHAT else but the lack of self-confidence and the fear of worthlessness could determine you to demand from another, from the one you claim to love, to ignore their feelings, desires and needs?

What kind of man must you be, to wish the presence of a woman against her feelings, to claim from her to deny herself any other pleasure of the relationships that tempt her, only so that you can sedate your discontentment towards yourself with the feeling of worthiness?

Basically, you’re sacrificing the freedom (life) of your partner, in the name of love surely, to have proof of your importance?

Regardless how weak or how low your self-esteem may be, your common sense should tell you that this approach demonstrates aggressiveness towards the most intimate nature of your partner.

But that would imply interest for their intimate nature.

When fidelity is the fundamental value in a relationship, you’re immediately signaling that:
1. Your partner’s humanity/human content is insignificant in relation to your ego’s claims of comfort, well packed in the idea of fidelity.
2. You don’t understand that attraction and passion are lively states that cannot be constrained or preserved by agreements of fidelity, promises or commitments.
3. You don’t understand that fidelity in the absence of a connection, of inner freedom and of passion doesn’t feed anything vital in a being.

When you condition a relationship with giving up all other relationships, you lose sight of the only basic aspect of a relationship: the quality of the time spent together.

It is not the time your boyfriend/girlfriend spends with another that will affect your relationship, but the time you spend together and most of the time waste platitudes and clichés.

Yet, in a masochistic gesture, the majority sacrifices the importance of the partner’s quality of feeling for those qualities destined to validate the ego and protect its sensitivity.

The issue is that no one has ever seen a satisfied ego – after every satisfaction you give to it, its needs grow exponentially.

If fidelity was a quality that had an immanent value, no one would impose it to others, since everybody would do anything to get it for themselves.
But, if you pay attention, nobody cultivates their fidelity for themselves, but in order to be able to claim it from their partner.
Nobody wants fidelity only for themselves. Whosoever you have ever heard praising the value of fidelity will claim it from someone else.

My need for fidelity hides my demand from you to amputate your inner world of sensations and feelings with which my ego’s authority disagrees, to give you the benefit of distributing you in the role destined to satisfy my expectations that I hope will bring me happiness.

When for me you are only the role I specifically assigned to you, obviously I consider there’s nothing more to know about you.

And this combination of possessiveness and predictability is the death of passion in relationships.

In this framework, the relationship means fulfilling the duties of the assigned role.

Of course, these are the ego’s calculations, since reality and life will not care about all of our strategies with which we hope to protect our illusions and our hypocrisies.

Only those lost in endless confusions imagine that a functional and lasting relationship can be built on the obedience to the partner’s ego.

That obedience, playing the assigned role, to be hired as partner, qualifies you only to be used and despised for your naiveté and immaturity.

Attractive are only those who know who they are, who don’t negotiate their right to feel and to freely manifest themselves.

Those who assert the importance of sexual fidelity only prove that they are willing to deny their sexual nature so that they can demand the same from their partner.


Sexual fidelity is the fastest and most certain way of extinguishing the attraction in the relationship and, implicitly, of amplifying the temptations of infidelity.

Possessiveness (the feeling that your partner belongs to you) comes into being in the very moment you are sure to have your partner’s sexual fidelity.

And possessiveness is incompatible with passion. What you feel you possess, doesn’t attract you anymore.
What you have is no longer interesting, no longer incites you and implicitly you no longer pay attention to it.

You start believing you deserve everything and you stop offering anything. This happens with both partners.

It’s easy to understand that, these differences between what you offer and what you demand are the source of some tensions that build up in the background of the ever more difficult to keep appearances.

And no petty calculation, no naïve good intention and no hypocrisy will be able to block out life’s interests that manifest through all of us.