The temptation of an exclusive relationship is not great.
It is only in direct proportion with the lack of self-confidence and the lack of self-knowledge.
Open relationships are not a matter of emotional intelligence or anything alike, it is strictly a matter of ego.
You need an ordinary intelligence to understand the basis of the concept of freedom in relationships.
People have two colossal issues, which, until they are solved, make impossible, a healthy couple relationship: possessiveness and competition, which reflect the pathologic need to be more special or more important than everybody at least in a few aspects.
You want to find a reason to feel superior.
Anything will do.
Otherwise you feel like suffocating.
NOT by accident, when you can’t relate to anything, there are strong chances to commit suicide.
And exclusive relationships are the breathing air for this need.
Possessiveness says “I’m so special, insomuch that I can sacrifice and control a life (or more)”, c
ompetition says: ….”I’m so cool, that nobody else can have my partner”.
Both positions make irrelevant any compatibility, feelings…because the suffering of realizing that the projections of your self-importance are false is so deep, that nothing else matters.
You can be sure you’ll very quickly reach the point where you can see how absurd your claims are.
Nothing is more important to those who are lacking awareness than to consider themselves superior to others.
And their partner is foremost the one invested with the responsibility of feeding the illusion of importance.
Actually, traditional relationships are a cheap play wherein confirmations of importance are traded, all the more so needed and demanded as passion, intimacy and trust disappear.
I know for a fact that, until you don’t transform your possessiveness into freedom and your sense of competition into friendship…not only you don’t have a real relationship, but you don’t have a relational life.
You live like a rat: in darkness, fearful and hurried every time you reach the light.
The light (the awareness) makes you feel very vulnerable because it makes the pettiness you’re hiding visible.
And when you have overcome these problems, you are able to see that multiple, transparent relationships are only magical and natural.
Some say that there are conscious monogamous relationships.
I only accept that there are individuals with many solved issues and thus aware and happy who, for this reason, can relate monogamously without tensions when they have libido issues or when they don’t have much options.
But, no matter how aware and how harmonious their relationship…not being open to other partners is the expression of lack of awareness residues.
In open relationships people grow up quickly because they have to work on the issues of possessiveness and competition through humbleness, dignity and friendship…because otherwise they toss in endless turmoil.
In these relationships, the erotic and emotional openings towards other individuals bring to the base relationship important values and valences.
For example…my wife’s partners become very close to me, closer than for her…and she and some of my girlfriends form very strong bonds, so strong that my presence is useless.
Even those experiences that activate residual lack of self-confidence and competition prove to be providential when, instead of hiding them behind appearances, you choose to talk and work them out.
We people can do so much more than getting stuck in the egotistical experience.
But very few believe in it, because very few are really trying.
It is important that no one tries, so that there’s no chance for us to see that it is possible and necessary to become Human.
All those who are not trying, are sending a clear message, that honesty and fairness in relationships are not important, compared to the egotistic interests and demands.
We have come to a state where we protect our inner misery in the name of love
We say we don’t want to cause suffering to our partner and thus we choose to be faithful.
But our partner suffers because he/she want to be souls-owner and superior to others.
Of course, he/she must be backed up in his/her effort to overcome their weaknesses, but that is a complete different thing than fostering their weaknesses.
And this is all we do, protecting our partner’s weaknesses so that we can claim the same protection from them.
Once you have gone beyond your own weaknesses, you’ll see how ridiculous the matter of fidelity and monogamy is, including consciously assumed monogamy.
If the two persons in the conscious monogamous relationship understand that they mean so much to one another…how logical it is to assume that there are individuals of the opposite sex who can offer you unique experiences and satisfactions (similar to the ones you have in your monogamous relationship).
Your own success in the monogamous relationship and the evolution it brings is the argument for the couple to be open to other couples or other individuals.
If they don’t do it, if they don’t open their relationship, it means they’re still protecting some weaknesses, which they’re still not fair towards themselves and their partner, regardless of how many positive and conscious aspects their relationship integrates.
To be honest…I am somewhat bored with what I’m writing here (most likely it bores many of you too); since it is all so obvious, I feel slightly ridiculous.
But I insist patiently, because all of those with whom I’m speaking are facing generally, in all relationships, a background fight, full of pressures and intimidations, apparently discreet, destined to get the domination, the control, and the feeling of importance.
Basically, the majority of people are negotiating for themselves in this background fight what they want from their partner, and giving back obedience and assuming the role of being a slave of the desire for importance of their partner.
Everything comes down to the way we answer to the question: what matters most to us in a relationship, honesty or getting what we want?
Surely, any admiration or interest towards honesty disappears once it implies a loss….and here it is to be found the root of all traumas in relating.
What should be a total partnership, becomes a treacherous fight.
I should NOT tell you again that, anything you believe you’re winning by sacrificing honesty is just an illusory gain.
We all experiment this all the time….but our answer to the above question stays the same.
From a certain moment onwards…this only means atrocious stupidity and it can be extrapolated to the level of the entire human race, without any sweeping generalization.
Until you start working on your issues, everything I say is only talking material to make you think you are something if you wag your tongue about it.
In conclusion, nobody should waste their time with me by debating the ethical issue of monogamy, since the subject is sensitive and completely unconstructive.
But anyone well-intended and somewhat aware can understand how miserable possessiveness, attachments and competition are.
I’ll say only this: resolve these issues in yourself, since they bring shame to the human race.
And after you have resolved them, I wait for you to tell me how monogamous relationships appear to you and what is the purpose of this kind of relating when you no longer feel that someone belongs to you or that you should have more than others.
It will be ridiculous to talk about monogamy.
It will exist as a momentarily, conjectural situation, but being open and grateful to every opportunity for an even more extended relationship.
Multiple relationships draw out to the light all of our demons.
And the majority of them are so scared by the specter of the lack of importance, by perceiving a risk in the possibility that the partner may feel good with someone else too, that they come back to the seemingly comfortable lie about “how strongly we love each other exclusively”.
But the enthusiasm is short lived because despise and boredom will take the place of passion and honesty.
And at some point, sick of the way things are, you’ll end up reading my articles. :*