The falling in love is everything that love is not, and conversely. They are opposite states.
The falling in love is an apogee of the unawareness that appears and consumes itself on the level of forms (or appearances), which includes the mental-emotional space.
Love is an apogee of awareness and takes places in the space of our fundamental contents (the existential space).
The falling in love is a euphoric self-hypnosis which kills exactly the lucidity that you so greatly need in order to understand your so-called “lover” and to understand what is really happening with you.
It is a mash of sexual attraction, the emotion of validation (the pleasure of feeling wanted) and of bucolic projections (the promise of future conservation of this state).
It is only a state of exaltation of the senses running free of all conscious supervision.
The mere exclusion of a love speech from this phenomenon would make everything much more real.
But it is so difficult to do this, since we gamble so much on this speech about love, in our endeavor to create the confusion that allows us to manipulate the other.
This entire dance of love overly imbued with proofs of love, emotional statements and gestures, is nothing but an ample diversion (usually unconscious), meant to deceive our awareness and our common sense, so that a story in which we have the role of “the hub of the earth” expecting a sweet and permanent happiness in couple seem real.
It is seemingly curious that, when you fall in love, you deny yourself all analysis of the motivations and the nature of the attractions you feel, and this is not really coincidental.
You must do so, so that you can deny yourself the awareness of your true motivations and interests that would risk you being known exactly as you really are.
It would be easy to identify your natural interest, yet strictly sexual, as well as all of your other dreams of gaining something, naïve dreams, weaknesses and fears, that make you rush in your decisions through which you abandon the responsibility of your own happiness, making it your partner’s responsibility.
But what could make you interested in discovering all these things about yourself?
The novelty brought by a relationship bears forth intense and unusual emotions, under the influence of a steady hormonal cocktail.
However, by calling on a little lucidity and experience, you can see in your experience and the one of others around you, the pattern of relationships and the irrelevance of emotions while falling in love. When you understand that, you will moderate your enthusiasm, in favor of attention and preoccupation with transparency and relaxation during the early stage of the relationship. This is an essential and very important form of respect for a potential partner.
The more the lovers deny their own responsibility for their own happiness, the more their enthusiasm. When a relationship is meant to absolve you from the effort of awareness and being mature, then it is very important for you to believe your own fantasies and quickly pack the relationship into something certain and stable.
All of you have known that inexplicable feeling of loving someone, without even knowing them. Probably the sensation you’re experiencing is based on essential or only superficial compatibilities, yet surely they are to be found amongst many other aspects that should make you more cautious before starting to project anything about what is happening.
The prospect of a sexual adventure will be accompanied by enthusiasm for almost everybody; still what matters is to be aware of your motivations and what is actually happening. The appetite for romance shows a desperate need for emotions, meant to cover the inner feeling of lack of meaning in which your life flows.
Once the sexual attraction is consumed, the cleverest partner’s willingness to play the lover role disappears, while the shallowness of the relationship and the inner emptiness become obvious. We must understand that, in the absence of a real connection based on the content of what we are, once the sexual attraction fades, an unyielding rejection…a severe need to be left alone appears, moderated only by the awareness of future sexual needs.
Once the “dream of love” falls apart after the sexual relief, the emptiness we ran away from becomes even more painful, and the decisions we made, our statements of eternal love, our commitments and our promises are dangling on our necks like a millstone. To free ourselves of this promise we must openly admit that we lied and exaggerated.
However, this requires a much too difficult honesty, and the solution is a new batch of lies – from the category “I love you so dearly, but life is against us, so I must leave” – which more often are an insult to anyone’s intelligence.
Most of the time, in our ridiculous flight from the responsibility of our own choices, we conclude that suffering is the aftermath of relationships, and not our own unawareness which we bring in the relationship.
In this category are included all lovers hurt in their “love”, who declare theatrically and very convinced that they will never love again. As if their pseudo-experiences have anything to do with love.
Here comes into play another big category of parrots (rather innocents), who tell you that, no matter how much suffering and pain love would bring, nothing else matters and so, you must get yourself again and again in the same shit, in the name of “love”, of course. Not that there has ever been any trace of love in these relationships – what is essential is to tell it to ourselves in order to be able to play the role of the unfortunate victim of the perversity of the opposite sex and thus create a romantic-dramatic aura around the common experience of falling in love.
We need this aura to protect our right to stupidity and unawareness and to avoid at all costs meeting the common sense and the reality. The appetite for bucolic projections will be paid in suffering, so that we won’t easily forget the importance of creating happiness starting from the reality of what we are. Almost every falling in love ends in pain and disappointment, since what we’re running away from when we throw ourselves in the experience of love is exactly the awareness of the pain and disappointment within ourselves.
The other kind of falling in love, the one that endures through time, they survive with the price of assuming an inconceivable relational infantilism, in which the partners take on the role of “child in the mother’s lap” – where everything transforms into an impossible gurgling. In these relationships you get the chance to accustom yourself with the communication from the category of “gurgling” (my sweet little love, my sweetie, etc.)…which is to be seen as proof of a passionate and enduring relationship by all the desperate and naïve who need to cling to someone.
When you choose to see in the other what you wish to see, you deny yourself any chance to live something real.
Those love stories that you drug yourself with and your thirst for emotions in romantic sets are but self-conditioning ideas that allow you to be manipulated and, inherently, qualify you as a sure victim of disappointments. Generally, those stuck in this form of relationship are superficial and unaware individuals, with consistent traits of perversity, who choose only the easy way – meaning, they target/search for only weaker or inexperienced partners, who can easily be used as suppliers of validation and sex.
The experience of falling in love will not spare anyone, but any concern for growing up and self-development will get you out, eventually, of confusion and hypocrisy. Most of the time, one of the lovers is more detached, thus more clever. Any individual, who came out screwed up from a romantic relationship that had a fulminatory beginning, choosing to see himself as innocent victim, refuses to accept that, no matter how much you accuse the perversity of the one who “screwed” you, you cannot mistake the vibration of an open and honest person with the one of an intimidating, manipulative person who convincingly plays the role of the lover.
If you do mistake it, you do it because you want to lie to yourself. And probably you too have taken advantage of those more naïve than you. The usual victims of these kinds of falling in love, with their need to cling to someone, become easy to use (or only to fuck), but equally difficult to put up with – which makes them very quickly unpleasant and expendable. There is nothing faulty with these relationships, seeing that the instinct to cling of those who are used is by no means more innocent than the instinct to use or manipulate. I have met women who, although they have been used and quickly abandoned under SF pretexts, rationally understand the substratum of this experience, but they secretly desire to be used again by the same individual, while the loudly accuse him. Never underestimate the force and the stupidity of unawareness!
Form-falling in love-unawareness-manipulation type of relationship
The roots of the confusion and misunderstanding in relationships are extremely powerful conditionings, implanted in our minds long before we could even understand that our identities are altered. For these conditionings to be valid, true industries of dreams corroborate, such as: mass media, women’s magazines, literature, soap-operas, movies, marketing, parents’ stories and a commanding army of unaware individuals. It’s not coincidental that such forces are at play.
The falling in love process consumes itself in a space of forms; since it is a superficial and quasi-unconscious process, it only exists on the level of the form (outer circumstances): the image of the other, the way they walk, talk, behave, their physical image, job, social and economic status, clothes, the way they appear in public, the way they communicate. The form activates the unconscious impulses involved in the falling in love. The form is something easy to perceive and evaluate and it has an unbelievably beneficial trait whereby it is extremely tempting, but it is never satisfactory.
You desperately want it, but when you finally have it, you realize it is not of much help and afterwards you seek to get more of it. This is the basis of the hysteria of personal development, with its objectives: be beautiful, stylish, do sport, fashionable, be successful, learn how to appear confident, aggressive, attractive….as appropriate. It’s common knowledge that relaxation, calmness, self-confidence, spontaneity and the connection with women are based on a background of honesty and common sense. But honesty and common sense imply admitting to your own hypocrisies, awareness, vulnerability, which, in turn, requires a massive restructuring of your inner world and a totally different approach to life than our usual one.
Automatically the option of honesty is excluded for the superficial ones, and implicitly, they are left only with the option of cultivating appearances and thus acquiring information destined to exploit the unawareness of their fellow beings and of the opposite sex, in our case.
Under these conditions, it seems more appealing and easy to bide with a mighty self-image and to embellish the cowardice, the mercantilism and the real indifference for people, with a seductive appearance of success, on the basis of the principle “Who cares anymore what kind of person I am as long as I appear successful?”
The world of the form, in which the illusory love stories are consumed, is the world where an impeccable first impression and the physical appearance are decisive.
As long as I can remember, it has been an intense delight for me to make a bad first impression, lacking all interest in formalism or rules about how to behave, and I still got everything I wanted. Sometimes even from those who had easily judged me. Few criteria are more relevant to the quality of a person than the way they judge a first impression. I can easily see what kind of persons are the women I interact with from the way they deal with my clumsiness, my shyness in the beginning. And those who pass this unintentional test make me want more from them.
The world of relationships must become a warm and relaxed one, so that our beings can breathe and grow in a climate of trust. Nothing is based on a moment, on a chance, for us to make the first impression an important issue. Everything is about what we are, and this is beyond our worse or better moments. Those who are oriented towards content will seek for partners oriented in the same direction, next to which they can feel good and evolve. These persons will be glad when they are seen in their content and limits, since they will not try to hide anything. This is the world in which you don’t try to impress, but only to be perceived correctly. It is the world wherein you understand how absurd it is to reduce a human being, a life, to a momentarily impression. Our life doesn’t develop through unique chances, offered by cold and immortal individuals. Our identity grows with us becoming human, warm, honest and fair to those around us and not overwhelming them with the perfection in relationship.
Apparently, this world of the falling in love and of the form, which implies a priori to use the unawareness and the weaknesses of the opposite sex for your own interest, leaves you with no other choice (I repeat, apparently, because you always have a choice) but to enter the manipulation game, because otherwise you risk being left with no partners.
It’s a partially justified fear, since men and women who play the card of honesty become aware of how much truth is scary. But this is only a superficial aspect not to be taken into account because:
1. The choice of honesty must not hinge upon the gains or losses that might be involved.
Honesty and sincere openness towards the opposite sex is its own gain, through the state of congruency and the satisfaction to be whole that you will live.
2. Constantly, there will be people around you to answer positively to your honest approach, even if they are more difficult to find or if, in the beginning, they refuse it instinctively or warily.
3. In the honest and unguarded communication there is a satisfaction which, eventually, will be seen as valuable enough to sacrifice the comfort of your so disturbed by the truth ego.
Indeed, on this path, the relationships evolve slowly, but steadily, at some point becoming indestructible and invulnerable.
And, on the other hand, the traditional alternative wherein you end up using and manipulating the most important beings in your life – the partners with whom you share your body, your soul and your entire intimacy – is unacceptable by an individual who still has a heart and some humanity.
I don’t want, not on any account, to lead you to believe that I disdain the form.
Far from me the thought.
Everybody, at all times, will appreciate and want beauty, elegance, health, physical abilities, comfort, wealth, success and glory.
But these start to have a real value only from the moment where they become secondary qualities of those who cultivate their human content.
And each content is realized and develops starting with the most elementary aspect of this human content: absolute honesty with ourselves and with others and the acceptance of what that honesty says about us.
Based on this, everything will change, and the world of the form will be the reflection of the content and not only the outer package of the lack of content.
It is important to understand that there is no reason to accuse any euphoric states, intense emotions or simple statements of their interest in us from a new partner.
Any pleasant moment spent with someone means satisfaction which charges all of us with vital resources.
It is essential to understand correctly what you are living and that these experiences are nothing more than the expression of a momentarily states, that don’t involve at all the future.
A delightful moment in the relationship between the two sexes is an existential gift, not a promise or a certainty for a future relationship.
A feeling reflects a momentarily state that was created together and a lot of existential grace. And, no matter how cynical it may sound, it is possible to never meet it again.
The solution for the issue of falling in love is to be yourself and to talk for real, encouraging the same attitude (this if you know yourself and if you can handle the truth), so that you can arrive to a relevant opinion about who both of you are and what you can live together. The initial euphoria may mean nothing, just as much more reclusive starts can evolve in true passions or friendships.
In conclusion, enjoy everything life offers you, assiduously decline all projections, don’t cling to anything, and choose to see things for what they are, because in all experiences fundamental understandings are waiting for you.
But stop wasting your time in obviously unsuccessful directions.
Too many of us have followed them, for too long.